I’ve learned that a consequence from the absence of my father in my household was the desire to be fought for.
I felt unwanted because I wasn’t sought after. It wasn’t so much that he wasn’t present in my household but that he also chose not to be present in my life. The last time we spoke, I was around 16 years old and he told me that if I wanted a relationship with him, the ball was in my court, and the effort would have to come from my end. Before that day, I had only spoken to him on the phone one other time, around the age of 10 and I hadn’t seen him since I was about 6. I am now 26 years old. It took me all these years to realize the ‘spirit of desire’ had a stronghold over me.
The lack of a father didn’t cause me to try to fill that void with endless relationships or sex, but with wanting to be wanted. There’s a saying that “every man wants to feel needed and every woman needs to feel wanted,” but that’s a spiritual curse. Ask yourself, as a man, “Why do I have to feel needed?” And as a woman, “Why do I desire to feel wanted?”
Being chased by men is something I’ve grown immune to. It’s a place of normalcy. I’ve been chased since I’ve been interested. Men have whistled, blown their horns, treated me to dinner, movies and have done other countless things to get my attention. I’ve even literally been chased down the street a few times. But to be pursued is something I’ve recently experienced. It was new and I didn’t know what to do or how to act. I now understand why I’ve been single for all these years with no rush nor desire to be with just anybody. The Lord had to reveal in me the power of pursuit. He had to instill in me the understanding that the desire of being fought for stemmed from a hurt deep in my past. My father didn’t fight for me so I believed that if you didn’t fight for me, then you couldn’t possibly want to be with me…but then there’s Jesus. Jesus never fought for me. While being persecuted, punched and punished, He didn’t lift one finger to prove His love. He didn’t have to prove to me His love because His love came through action and words. He didn’t fight for me, he died for me.
Jesus passionately pursued the cross to show His love. He didn’t tell me that the effort would have to come from me because He put forth every ounce of effort He had at Calvary. This is what love is. Love is passionate pursuit (extra effort) not a consistent chase.
The Lord knew that my father wouldn’t be in my life and that the enemy would try to use this against me. But what the devil intended for bad, GOD HAS MADE GOOD! What he thought would bury me actually built me up. He thought the desire to be fought for would make me fall for anyone who was willing to chase me…but instead, what that desire really did was elevate my standards to want more. Jesus consumed and exposed me to the type of love I will experience with my husband and why I don’t have to settle.
So no, I won’t be chased. I refuse. Usually, one only chases when there’s a big game to win. Oh, but to be pursued. Pursuing means that there’s a mutual gain. One pursues something not because they will come out on top but because they see the larger picture of the “win-win” outcome. To pursue, is to go above and beyond in effort for what you want.
A man who chases sees your worth, a man who pursues sees your worth and also knows his own.
*pursue – to seek or strive to attain
*chase – to follow or devote one’s attention to with the hope of attracting,winning, gaining, etc